Sarhngel 3/8/26 Sarhngel 3/8/26

the tea:

This diary is becoming more a of confessional to my soul.

I was thinking about my last post, just like ranting and freaking out lol.

but in a dark moment i’m still choosing to continue.

and that to me is the most profound.

i’ve spoken with a lot of my friends,

they seem to all also be down,

thinking of others thoughts

trying not to judge themselves.

the world around us is on fire.

we must take shelter.

but i personally

wanna be outside.

I still feel like I will be safe. I will make it. My life will continue.

that’s what it is.

I got so scared by that cop because i legit felt that this person i’ve never met had the power in that moment to take my life away.

that all my dreams, all my ambitions all what i had hoped for was at the mercy of this persons choice.

Black history month passes and a new dawn of hell sprung.

i’m reading apocalyptic fiction about angels rn.

susan girl can write.

i’ve been reading to keep my mind off the scary thoughts. and im asking to be reminded of why im loved.

i can really only woe is me for like one day and i gotta keep it pushing.

I have every reason to continue.

I hate that I feel like this is what the world comes to.

I hate that I feel this.

But it’s not true. It’s just a fear around me, because nature continues.

I must remind myself that nature continues.

I am nature and I continue.

period.

I recognized a weakness I had. A thought I let myself have, i’m not sure where it seemed from, but a notion to let others have a power over me. Their judgments of me righteous before my own.

How dare I relinquish such disposition.

How dare I?

I genuinely should care about my thoughts on my own. No one really cares.

and that’s okay. like you can sympathize all you want with me, but deeeeeep, Im talking deep. No one really cares.

like too a degree this is true.

We all have to separate ourselves.

If I can genuinely not care, then I can release myself of the punishment.

My life is my own.

I make my full choices.

The part is where Im standing on it.

I must stand on it.

10 french freshly pedicured toes.

period.

local diva out.

P.S , I’m just loving this banter i have with myself. such a diva. im so funny.

Sarhngel 3/3/26 Sarhngel 3/3/26

Eclipse Bs… Read if you care

Dear diary :

It’s the day of the Virgo eclipse.

My last three days were terrible.

Sunday at work some woman decided to verbally abuse and threaten me, I decided to stick up for myself and I was still shy about it and as I left the altercation I was shaking.

This grown woman and her group decided to wait outside my place of work. Waiting. Lurking . Just to catch me.

Probably to assault me.

I’m still experiencing pain in my back, just had a doctor blatantly tell me there was nothing he could do about it. top spine surgeon by the way , fuck you mark.

I’m pretty sure he knew EXACTLY what was wrong but bcz of insurance it’s out of his hands.

I was late today for an important photoshoot with my agency because mercury is in retrograde and I didn’t anticipate the traffic I was heading into. also I had a cop berate me on my way to the casting of which I started crying because I GENUINELY felt fear for my life.

Walk into the shoot crying, talk about professionalism.

So , how’s your Tuesday?

I’m like afraid to go to work bcz idk if they’re going to have a sit down with me about the altercation , I’ve got a $300 ticket from a trigger happy cop and also I’m sick.

That nasty woman kept touching me and now I’m sick. Fucking great.

I’m not even home right now , I’m at my besties house in Orlando bcz I couldn’t deal with my life. I broke down in my car on the way to my agency. “Why?” I plea.

“Why is everyone being SO mean to me”

“ why do I have to keep it all to myself ?!”

“ what did I do to deserve this treatment , from people I don’t know ? “

It’s because I said no.

It’s because even though I’m sitting in this office I’m going to let this person know that medications only suppress the pain.

It’s because I am scared.

I’m fucking scared all the time. but I have to keep going.

I kept working after that woman was disgusting to me. I showed up at that doctors office knowing it was a dead end. I kept driving thru that dead end traffic , I kept crying infront of that cop to let him know that I was human.

I Am Human First. I dont understand why certain things happen to me. All I know is that I have to keep going. I have to , despite my pain and my own struggles.

I must.

I have a dream. And it’s to be a fucking star. And nobody is going to stop that.

I need to cry more, I think. I want to cry more. I am scared. I am terrified and I want the world to know. I am not strong all the time. My body aches and I’m feeble.

Lately I’ve been trying to lean in more on the people that care for me. I’m glad I slept at my besties house bcz driving back with a fever ain’t it.

I need fucking help. I don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is that I have to continue.

It’s like I’m manic almost. I barely sleep because I’m painting or writing till 3am. I’m working my ass off and smiling for the ton.

And when I slip, there is no one to catch me but myself.

I can’t be like that anymore. I’m strong for everyone else around me. I need to be strong for myself and I think that I needed to stand up for myself and let my emotions leak.

Because I am not a robot. I am a human being first.

I am not perfect. That’s never what I want to be.

I’m hiring bodyguards. If you’re interested plz dm me.

Qualifications: must be hot , must have a black belt in jujitsu.

Payment in kisses and vegan cheeses.

The show must go on!

Will I get fired? Do I find a new doctor? Will I be on the cover of Vogue ? Does my ticket get magically paid by itself ?

Tune in next week. Bcz idk wtf , I’m trying to find the silver lining. Right now it’s yellow cross tape.

Local Diva out-

Xoxo Sarhngel

Sarhngel 2/26/26 Sarhngel 2/26/26

The Tea..

so its been some time since ive written to write. Mercury is retrograde in pisces and nothing makes sense right now.

I for one cannot stand the need for directness at the moment. I feel whimsical , enchanted , I’m being visted by princes and princesses. my inner child is so up rn.

last i’ve chatted, my heart was open fully to new possibilites. I’ve made new friends. lost lovers and friends. I feel as if i’ve made a sort of come back in my own personal life. I’m the star who shines so brightly. Its almost a relentless light.

This is truly just a description of my inner state. Im finding now more then ever my need to create, write and dibble and dabble in all my little oddities. It makes me feel so productive with my soul.

I’ve been told that i seem that I am fufilled with my life! How kind an observation!

Truly though, I have so much gratitude for this life that I have. I am being constantly reminded that I have such an abundance at my finger tips in the gentlest of ways.

So It is feb 26th. I stacked cash and I ended up going to New York fashion week! Totally insane and riveting experience.

I was told that new york was like an abusive boyfriend, you say you hate it but you keep coming back.

It’s been a long standing dream of mine to venture off to nyc. and now that i’ve returned I feel as if there is a new lease i have on life. My goal this year is to travel as much as possible.

I want to look back at my camera role and just be amazed at what I can do for myself.

There was a moment there I had with myself, I told myself that I was done making miracles for others, now it was time to bring the magic to me.

With this notion in mind, I genuinely feel like I can achieve my goals. although some are painstaking and tiring, the progress is a pleasure in itself.

I’ve already come so far. SO FAR. The person that I was a couple of weeks ago, vs the person that I am now?!?!?!

Its like my total thing is elevation. I will evolve into someone of the highest light. I feel that is my truest destiny.

Yet in the meantime, I find that I’m constantly being asked to move with an honest heart and a loyalty to my divinity.

Im writing now to few, but I geniunely feel that soon thousands will take to reading this blog. I hope that in reading my words it brings hope. Hope for a better future. Hope for a betterment of the self. Hope for a world that truly protects the innocent and one that provides a divine righteous justice.

This blog has been my brain baby for so long. and it will continue to be so. it will evolve and so will I.

I have to write, I just absolutely have to.

Sarhngel 12/15/25 Sarhngel 12/15/25

Diary Entry 5:

This entry was written 12/13/25:

dear diary,

shit can change so fast in a week.

I went on a trip got back home and now im like omg! soo much to do !!

Im outside asf !

I’ve been working nonstop. my work environment is shifting quickly, things are changing almost for the better.

The energy gives home.

What is the type of place , that you can come and be given grace.

i’ve been seeing 144.

its like my go number.

I tell the universe, If i should do this, 144

never a bad decision.

so lately i’ve been leaning more into a space of neutrality, a space of silence. I’ve been really appreciating the moments where its really quiet. It helps me think, my nervous system is resting. I love it when i can just lay there and observe my environment.

It’s becoming a point where people just tell me whatever. My trust is real. The feeling of clarity is like relief. I can give that moment to myself whenever i feel.

I write now 12/ 15/ 25

its 12:44 pm.

Sarhngel 12/15/25 Sarhngel 12/15/25

Diary Entry 4:

This entry was written : 12/10/25

Dear Diary,

Post work. Damn I really pushed myself, and I have to keep pushing.

I have to. 144

Everything I feel like I do next is riding on these moments , What choices I make How I treat others, I want to make sure I’m doing what’s right in my heart and what’s right for the sake of humanity. Perhaps I needn’t be so dire, But that’s how I feel I can make a difference. so my Choices are important, because I want change in the best of ways.

I want change for what’s best For whats kind , for what is gentle , I choose to give kindness not because anyone deserves it, but because it is the right thing to do. Perhaps my tongue doesn’t come off that way ,

Today at work I watched,

this woman touched the crown of her coworkers head , as she looked at me in the eye . staring at me drunk and smug.

I was uncomfortable.

The person just sat there with this woman’s hand , saying it’s okay.

The other people saying it’s okay.

That she does this all the time and it’s really okay.

And the woman staring somewhat defiant at me, as if testing me.

And I just stared at the person…. I just looked at her,

And her discomfort, And I wondered why she let it get so far.

…. These people were very disrespectful towards their coworkers.

A team of six , a Hispanic woman, a white ginger man , an Asian man , 2 black women , 1 black man . The Hispanic woman was already drunk as they sat. Her mauve pants suit wasn’t doing her justice against the starkness of her black hair.

The Asian man might’ve also been Hispanic …As he and the ginger were drunk. As I continue to observe their relationships , how they speak to their coworkers. Their conversation just became more perverse.

They openly mocked their black colleagues and their colleagues just sat there.

letting them berate them .

Letting them disrespect them.

Letting them .

The Hispanic woman began to speak in an accent, perhaps her version of AAVE. The Asian man just kept making sex jokes and the ginger man was 25% brain functioning when he stumbled in. Just babbling .

They say when you’re drunk the truth comes out.

In the end it’s the same old story , the one of the slave and its master. I’m writing as a Haitian American myself. So chill.

I don’t understand why society literally targets black people so much. like I really don’t get it, I was born a martyr.

stuck in an existence trying to prove to the viewers that I am one of the good ones.

Why has my existence of being of african decent been so disgusted by others?

Why has my life been condemned since i was born?

What people never want to recognize is that there were civilizations that existed before America. Not just Greece and Rome , but also in the many different nations in Africa.

Why is this disconnected??? Why do the history books make it seem like Europe was the only country on the fucking planet ????

You fucking think that there wasn’t anything going on in Africa in 1502? *plz read this like an angry new yorker its so fuuny* Like they didn’t have their own shit going on?

Real Tea: Black people were always on the planet.

We didn’t just appear out of nowhere and lived in huts , wtf.

Society has made it seem like Europe invented civilization and discovered the rest of the world , and thus spread “progress “ in humanity ??? Society has make it seem like Africa only exists once slavery starts!

>>>>>>>>>You have the choice to end your reading now or… Read this chat gpt wormhole with me? <<<<<<<<<<<

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Why are we never shown Africa’s scientific history • pre-colonial trade networks • African philosophy • African architecture • African kingdoms •

Black inventors pre-enslavement ??? ???????????????? do you see why so much shit is so FUCKED UP ???? Our ancestors were attacked, violently violated, taken from their homes , their mothers, their fathers. Their school Their livelihood.

Chat gpt: 1. Where were enslaved Africans taken from? Not from one place — from entire regions, mostly West and Central Africa. The main areas were: West Africa • Senegambia (Senegal, Gambia) • Sierra Leone • Gold Coast (Ghana) • Bight of Benin (Togo, Benin, Nigeria) • Bight of Biafra (Nigeria, Cameroon) Central Africa • Kongo Kingdom (Angola, DR Congo) • West Central Africa (Angola in particular was a MAJOR departure point) East Africa (later on) • Mozambique, Madagascar These weren’t “tribes in huts.” These were organized societies, some with armies, kings, officials, taxes, diplomacy, trade routes, and long histories. ⸻ 2. Did the slave trade lead to these civilizations collapsing? YES — absolutely. The trans-Atlantic slave trade destabilized, weakened, or outright destroyed several African states. Examples: Kingdom of Kongo (Central Africa) • Initially cooperated diplomatically with Portugal in the late 1400s • But Portuguese traders quickly ignored agreements • They kidnapped people, fueled internal rivalries, supported coups • This triggered civil wars that lasted 200+ years • By the 1600s, the kingdom was shattered • Millions were enslaved from this region West African Kingdoms • Some states (like Dahomey) got dragged into the trade because their neighbors started selling people • Wars were encouraged by Europeans because they profited from captives • This created a cycle of constant conflict • Regions depopulated, economies collapsed Songhai Empire (Mali/Niger) • Was one of the largest empires in Africa • Fell in 1591 after a Moroccan invasion • The damage + the rise of slave-trade coastal economies caused fragmentation Coastal destabilization • Europeans didn’t conquer Africa at this point — they corrupted it from the outside • They armed certain factions • Encouraged raiding • Bought prisoners of war, debtors, and kidnapped civilians • Turned political tensions into permanent war zones The slave trade didn’t start because Africa was weak — Africa was weakened BECAUSE of the slave trade. ⸻ 3. Did Africans record warnings? Did anyone try to stop it? YES. Africans absolutely left warnings, letters, treaties, protests, and written records. But those get ignored in Western education. (1) The King of Kongo literally begged Portugal to stop. King Afonso I (1500s) wrote multiple letters saying: • Portuguese traders were kidnapping free people • The population was disappearing • His officials were being bribed • His kingdom was collapsing • He needed the slave trade to end He said explicitly: “Our country is being depopulated.” Portugal ignored him. (2) African rulers tried to regulate or limit the trade. Examples: • Kingdom of Benin stopped selling slaves for long periods • Several West African states banned the sale of their own citizens • Some created laws barring Europeans from inland travel Europeans responded by: • bypassing rulers • arming rival factions • kidnapping directly (3) Religious leaders in Africa warned of moral, political, and spiritual collapse. Especially in Senegambia and Kongo, priests recorded: • prophecies of ruin • warnings that the trade would bring “fire” to the land • records of chaos, depopulation, and mourning These still exist in oral histories and manuscripts. (4) African scholars in Timbuktu wrote about the chaos on the coasts. Manuscripts from the 1500s–1600s mention: • rising violence • loss of stability in West African trade networks • disruptions caused by Europeans at the coast ⸻ 4. So were African kingdoms warning each other? In a way, yes — but not like a big conference. Communication happened through: • traders • diplomats • griots (oral historians) • letters • regional alliances But here’s the painful part: Some states tried to warn others, some tried to stop it, some got corrupted by it, and some got destroyed before the warning could spread. No monolithic “Africa united” existed — just like Europe wasn’t united. Different kingdoms had different priorities and threats. Europe took advantage of that. ⸻ 5. Why it wasn’t recorded as one big “warning” Because: • Africa had hundreds of ethnic groups, languages, governments • They weren’t all in direct alliance with each other • Europeans created chaos fast • Population loss was immediate and massive • Some kingdoms didn’t understand the scale until too late • Europe operated through manipulation, guns, and divide-and-conquer But don’t get it twisted: Africans were not naïve, passive, or unaware. They fought back, resisted, wrote letters, protested, and strategized. Whoaaa.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>If you skipped to this point, thank you for reading. another part of my truest identiy is forming<<<<<<<<<<

XOXO Sarhngel

Sarhngel 12/5/25 Sarhngel 12/5/25

Diary Entry 3

I’ve mentioned before that i hate the noise. I can’t hear myself think. It’s like physically over stimulating for me. Let’s spill some tea. The real tea about me.

ugh. Dec.14.2024. So, I hit my head. BAD. concussion, herniated disks, muscle tension, constant post traumatic headaches. Hospital.Doctor.Hospital.Doctor.Doctor.Doctor. Feelings of depression, sadness, anxiety, and pain. This is what my 2025 looked like.

I shared a bit of hit here and there but never loud enough to tell the they’s that i’ve been hurt so badly. I was told that i fell so hard I could’ve cracked my skull open.

The healing process. sometimes I was in so much pain I wondered why the skull didnt crack. but then at times I was almost glad I fell.

This year I have never felt so much gratitude for the simplest of things, such as a moment of silence. a moment of relief. A moment where i could sleep in a bit more and the world was still around me.

Lately I’ve been seeking silence.

I’ve been seeking my own peace .

Everything around me right now feels like so much noise. What she said to me, how this person spoke to me, what i should’ve said, what i didn’t say.

So fucking caught up in other people. WHAT ABOUT ME???

What about what I say ?

It still completely baffles me that I too have an effect. That I too can invoke a shift, a change, a gust of wind. lol

w.e

So with this great wind of change , I give it to the sails, so I can travel through the sea to my island where I am free.

How can I miss a land I’ve never been to?

I’ve been learning about the history of haiti, why it was so important.

My people freed themselves because they knew where they came from.

My people never lost themselves.

That is why .

“never back down,

never,

what?

never back down” This is a motto my sister and I yell at each other all the time.

So me slipping backwards, taught me that I had to get up.

It taught me that me backing down is everything that the people who’ve doubted me wanted.

It taught me that standing up, evening if im shaking , is the best thing that i can do for myself.

im crying…..

Gemini Full moon just past… I’m actually curious about what I’m being called to release.

lol the pain and heartbreak duh

come back to love is what I tell myself.

How can I forgot how much I am adored by the ones I love.

How can I forget how much I love?

my brother sings that song… I loveeee, I loveeeee , I love i love I love …

So with this post, with this blog, I come back to love. I come back to my sense of creation. My sense of me.

Thanks for reading.

xoxoSarhngel

Sarhngel 12/3/25 Sarhngel 12/3/25

Diary Entry 2

It all begins with an idea.

Dear Diary,

Im starting to realize the real systemic problem in my ever so american nervous system. Thinking back to my feelings shame for own suffering and darkness... from my previous diary entry..

I ALSO REALIZED…

That maybe I just need love. And like its so american of me , to beat myself up for feeling like shit. hello colonialism :)

Its like I often forget how we as individuals affect others. Like Why has this been forgotten? rather not openly spoken of I suppose.

I often feel as if I don’t matter to the ones around me, as if my own existence doesn’t make a difference.

I dont think I’m the only one that feels this. I can’t possibly be.

I don’t want to akin this feeling or this idea to depression, because it’s rather a symptom of this society i’m in.

This society rewards my small efforts, but my biggest ones go unnoticed. I keep myself so close to my chest in fear of being seen as weak, or too late, or unacceptable , or insubordinate.

My professionalism a tip toe, because my real self is a dance.

now I ask myself , are these feelings or are these collective thoughts that I’m sensing around me? These are that of everyone is truly thinking inside. That these thoughts are not my own?

what are my thoughts?

What I feel is very real to me and that is something I need to honor. I need to honor myself.

I need to honor my pain.

I need to honor this.

I concern myself with the delivery of my emotions because I realize what I say has an effect on others. So in turn, i do matter, because subconsciously know that by default what I do has an effect.

its actually science. and im actually a genius.

A friend of mine just told me I needed to learn how to deal. Why is this so revolutionary for me? I have to keep going anyway and Im going to need to learn how to take what is given to me and hold it and mold it into what I want and need.

all this fear and hesitancy I feel is stepping in the way of the action of my own creation.

Blasphemy.

Sarhngel 12/1/25 Sarhngel 12/1/25

Diary Entry 1