Diary Entry 1

Diary entry 1: 12/1/25

Dear Diary

Cyber Monday. It is absolutely the loudest day on the planet. Cars are zooming by just as fast as my thoughts. 

Its season and I’m already burnt out. It is the last week in the retrograde shadow and more retrograde shit is happening to me then during the cycle itself. 

I feel so much stress, I feel angry, I feel lost, i feel hopeful, i feel faith, i feel loved.  I’m pushing myself to close out old cycles of mine, but some have reappeared.

 I blue my tire out on the highway and I didn’t even notice until I reached near my destination.  

I was wearing my evil eye pendant as if it will protect me from my own karma.

 I’ve been feeling so defeated, as I was racing back to work from holiday. This was absolutely not what I needed. 

I’m just replaying things and how I responded to my environments in the following days and moments after. I feel as if  had been struck by bad luck. But that’s not it. not at all. The thing is I’m being called to pay attention. 

The real tea my dearest diary? 

I haven’t been paying attention to myself. And I hate being the center of concern for others. How can I communicate that I’m not okay, not okay at all, in the most clear and detached way?

is that even possible?

my heart is hollow.

my spirit has drained and emptied.

i have been working hard,

and for what?

i forget. 

People don’t ask me to cross my boundaries, they just do it because they think it’s okay. People. They and them. 

and Who will think this of me and that of me. 

blah

blah 

blah 

Why absolutely does it concern me?? THERE IS A SERIOUSLY LOUD TRUCK OUTSIDE BEEPING CONTINOUSLY. Anyways. 

its 7pm on a Monday and i’m home thinking about work and how I was too vulnerable. I feel wounded. IDKKKK. IM EMBARRASED FOR HAVING FEELINGS OF PAIN AND DESPAIR AND I FEEL That NOBODY CARES!!!!!!!! 

It has come to my conclusion that I have been feeling shame about my own existence as this mercury retrograde has highlighted my inefficiencies. 

hello virgo rising :) iykyk 

Things I have done to help myself:  

I made my bed . I tidied up my room. I ate a nutrient meal. I hung out with a friend. I drank some tea. I worked on some art. I played with jasper, my fat kitten. I did a face mask. I made some art. 

I grounded myself. 

I have been seeking silence within myself. that’s why the noise around me has been so loud. The people, my negative thoughts, my feelings of doom. I read something somewhere that said we humans waste too much of our imagination on negative outcomes. Even my shoulders are raised , I need to put them down. 

My head hurts always. I feel my ears are bleeding. 

When will the world quiet itself?