Diary Entry 2

Dear Diary, 

Im starting to realize the real systemic problem in my ever so american nervous system. Thinking back to my feelings shame for own suffering and darkness... from my previous diary entry..

I ALSO REALIZED… 

That maybe I just need love. And like its so american of me , to beat myself up for feeling like shit. hello colonialism :)

Its like I often forget how we as individuals affect others. Like Why has this been forgotten? rather not openly spoken of I suppose.

I often feel as if I don’t matter to the ones around me, as if my own existence doesn’t make a difference.

I dont think I’m the only one that feels this. I can’t possibly be.

I don’t want to akin this feeling or this idea to depression, because it’s rather a symptom of this society i’m in.

This society rewards my small efforts, but my biggest ones go unnoticed. I keep myself so close to my chest in fear of being seen as weak, or too late, or unacceptable , or insubordinate.

My professionalism a tip toe, because my real self is a dance.

now I ask myself , are these feelings or are these collective thoughts that I’m sensing around me? These are that of everyone is truly thinking inside. That these thoughts are not my own?

what are my thoughts?

What I feel is very real to me and that is something I need to honor. I need to honor myself.

I need to honor my pain.

I need to honor this.

I concern myself with the delivery of my emotions because I realize what I say has an effect on others. So in turn, i do matter, because subconsciously know that by default what I do has an effect.

its actually science. and im actually a genius.

A friend of mine just told me I needed to learn how to deal. Why is this so revolutionary for me? I have to keep going anyway and Im going to need to learn how to take what is given to me and hold it and mold it into what I want and need.

all this fear and hesitancy I feel is stepping in the way of the action of my own creation.

Blasphemy.