Eclipse Bs… Read if you care

Dear diary :

It’s the day of the Virgo eclipse.

My last three days were terrible.

Sunday at work some woman decided to verbally abuse and threaten me, I decided to stick up for myself and I was still shy about it and as I left the altercation I was shaking.

This grown woman and her group decided to wait outside my place of work. Waiting. Lurking . Just to catch me.

Probably to assault me.

I’m still experiencing pain in my back, just had a doctor blatantly tell me there was nothing he could do about it. top spine surgeon by the way , fuck you mark.

I’m pretty sure he knew EXACTLY what was wrong but bcz of insurance it’s out of his hands.

I was late today for an important photoshoot with my agency because mercury is in retrograde and I didn’t anticipate the traffic I was heading into. also I had a cop berate me on my way to the casting of which I started crying because I GENUINELY felt fear for my life.

Walk into the shoot crying, talk about professionalism.

So , how’s your Tuesday?

I’m like afraid to go to work bcz idk if they’re going to have a sit down with me about the altercation , I’ve got a $300 ticket from a trigger happy cop and also I’m sick.

That nasty woman kept touching me and now I’m sick. Fucking great.

I’m not even home right now , I’m at my besties house in Orlando bcz I couldn’t deal with my life. I broke down in my car on the way to my agency. “Why?” I plea.

“Why is everyone being SO mean to me”

“ why do I have to keep it all to myself ?!”

“ what did I do to deserve this treatment , from people I don’t know ? “

It’s because I said no.

It’s because even though I’m sitting in this office I’m going to let this person know that medications only suppress the pain.

It’s because I am scared.

I’m fucking scared all the time. but I have to keep going.

I kept working after that woman was disgusting to me. I showed up at that doctors office knowing it was a dead end. I kept driving thru that dead end traffic , I kept crying infront of that cop to let him know that I was human.

I Am Human First. I dont understand why certain things happen to me. All I know is that I have to keep going. I have to , despite my pain and my own struggles.

I must.

I have a dream. And it’s to be a fucking star. And nobody is going to stop that.

I need to cry more, I think. I want to cry more. I am scared. I am terrified and I want the world to know. I am not strong all the time. My body aches and I’m feeble.

Lately I’ve been trying to lean in more on the people that care for me. I’m glad I slept at my besties house bcz driving back with a fever ain’t it.

I need fucking help. I don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is that I have to continue.

It’s like I’m manic almost. I barely sleep because I’m painting or writing till 3am. I’m working my ass off and smiling for the ton.

And when I slip, there is no one to catch me but myself.

I can’t be like that anymore. I’m strong for everyone else around me. I need to be strong for myself and I think that I needed to stand up for myself and let my emotions leak.

Because I am not a robot. I am a human being first.

I am not perfect. That’s never what I want to be.

I’m hiring bodyguards. If you’re interested plz dm me.

Qualifications: must be hot , must have a black belt in jujitsu.

Payment in kisses and vegan cheeses.

The show must go on!

Will I get fired? Do I find a new doctor? Will I be on the cover of Vogue ? Does my ticket get magically paid by itself ?

Tune in next week. Bcz idk wtf , I’m trying to find the silver lining. Right now it’s yellow cross tape.

Local Diva out-

Xoxo Sarhngel